What to Do in Negotiations If You’re Divorcing a Narcissist

Going through a divorce can be emotionally draining, and when your partner is a narcissist, the challenges can feel overwhelming, especially during negotiations. Narcissists thrive on control, manipulation, and conflict, making them particularly difficult to negotiate with fairly. Understanding how to handle these negotiations can protect your emotional and financial well-being.

Understand Their Tactics

Narcissists often use tactics, such as gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse to maintain control. Being aware of these behaviors is crucial to protecting yourself. Expect them to use strategies like:

• Stonewalling: Deliberately delaying or sabotaging negotiations.
• Blaming: Making you feel responsible for the divorce or issues.
• Projection: Accusing you of the very behaviors they exhibit.

When you anticipate these tactics, you can prepare yourself emotionally and not be blindsided by their methods.

Stick to the Facts

Narcissists are masters at emotional manipulation. They will likely try to provoke an emotional reaction, using your responses against you. By sticking to the facts and avoiding emotional engagement, you maintain control over the situation. Present documentation of assets, finances, and any custody-related issues clearly and calmly. Keep the conversation focused on objective facts rather than personal grievances.

Set Firm Boundaries

In divorce negotiations, setting firm and clear boundaries with a narcissist is vital. A narcissist will often try to push the limits or test your resolve. Be clear about your expectations and communicate them through legal channels whenever possible. Boundaries may include:

• Keeping communication formal and focused on legal matters.
• Limiting direct conversations, using mediators, attorneys, or other third parties to communicate.
• Refusing to engage in arguments or retaliatory behaviors.

By sticking to your boundaries, you avoid falling into the traps narcissists often set, where they try to control or provoke you.

Use a Strong Legal Team

Narcissists will often try to exhaust you financially and emotionally by dragging out the process. To counteract this, you need a strong legal team that understands how to deal with high-conflict personalities. Ensure your attorney is familiar with narcissistic behavior, as they’ll need to remain assertive and focus on long-term strategies.

Consider bringing in specialists like a forensic accountant or a CDFA if your spouse has been controlling the finances or hiding assets. Narcissists can be deceptive about money, and it’s important to have a financial expert who can uncover any discrepancies.

Document Everything

Narcissists thrive on ambiguity and will often try to twist the truth. To protect yourself, document every interaction. Keep records of e-mails, texts, financial statements, and any agreements you’ve discussed. In cases involving custody, maintain detailed records of the children’s schedules, expenses, and interactions.

This documentation can prove invaluable when your spouse tries to distort the facts or lie to the court.

Leverage Mediation and Arbitration Carefully

While mediation can be an effective way to avoid court, be cautious when mediating with a narcissist. They will often use mediation as a way to manipulate or wear you down emotionally. If you choose mediation, ensure you have a neutral third-party mediator who understands high-conflict personalities. Assembling your team is important and here a CDFA can be of assistance.

If you feel you’re being manipulated or your spouse is refusing to negotiate in good faith, don’t hesitate to pursue bringing in a larger team to support you. While protractive settlement discussion or litigation should be a last resort, it may be necessary when dealing with a narcissist.

Don’t Expect Empathy or Compromise

One of the most difficult things about divorcing a narcissist is accepting that they won’t act in a reasonable or empathetic manner. Narcissists are unlikely to compromise, and they see negotiations as a win-lose game rather than a fair process. Keep your expectations realistic, and don’t expect them to act out of kindness or fairness.

Prioritize Your Mental Health

Negotiating with a narcissist is mentally and emotionally draining. It’s essential to take care of your mental health during this process. Seek support from a therapist or counselor who is familiar with narcissistic abuse. They can help you develop strategies to cope with the stress, maintain your emotional strength, and avoid being dragged down by your spouse’s behavior.

Self-care is critical during this time. Surround yourself with a support system of family, friends, and professionals who understand your situation.

Divorcing a narcissist may feel like an uphill battle, but with the right approach and professional support, you can protect your emotional well-being and financial interests. Prepare for manipulation, set boundaries, and use a legal team experienced with high-conflict divorces. Focus on facts, document everything, and prioritize your mental health as you move through the process. If you find yourself in this situation, please consider bringing in support.

Contact me today for a complimentary consultation to assess your situation and to learn how working with a CDFA can help.

References
In writing this blog post, several strategies were drawn from experts who specialize in narcissistic behavior in divorce:

Bill Eddy, author of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, emphasizes the importance of sticking to facts and setting boundaries when dealing with a narcissist during a divorce.